“Facing your fears is difficult, but when you finally build up the courage to do so, the outcome is incredibly rewarding.” By Erin Mathias. Edited by Lai Wei.
I was at war with my sexuality for a long time. Throughout college, I was like that old sweater that got lost in the back of the closet waiting to be found and worn proudly. Deep down, I had wanted to explore my sexuality towards the end of my senior year at Duke, but there were so many factors holding me back.
Despite having an incredibly supportive family and friends, I still feared the idea of having to “come out” to them. I feared the judgment from strangers seeing me holding hands with another woman. I was a full-time actor in this dreadful theater play that occupied the entirety of my conscious hours.
I was inauthentic and I felt empty inside.
I needed to get out of that closet. Packing up my bags and moving to Italy for my professional seasons helped. I felt as if I was starting anew and the freedom that I encountered was so foreign to me. A new country with new people and a new me — the most confident me.
I began shedding the many layers of fear surrounding my sexuality. Learning to accept myself as who I am was an arduous journey. For the first time in my life, I dated who I wanted to date, not who I felt like everyone else wanted me to date. With these new experiences, I learned more about myself.
And with this self-discovery, I learned to properly express myself through my personal style. I stopped wearing something because it was too masculine or too feminine or whatever it was to make myself appear of a certain sexuality. Now I wear what makes me feel good and I simply do not care if anyone else likes it or not. I cut my hair, dyed it from blonde to dark brown, and continued getting closer and closer to feeling like my true self.
I learned that sexuality doesn’t require a label. And if you don’t want to label yourself then you shouldn’t have to. I went through phases of labeling. I once was “straight” and then after college, I decided that I was “bisexual,” and then thought since I was only dating women that maybe I was just a “lesbian.” But I realized that I might never be 100% certain about my sexuality. And that’s okay.
You don’t need a label to be a part of the greater LGBTQ+ community. We’re always going to grow and change as life takes various twists and turns but what’s important is staying true to yourself. Through this awakening and recollection in tranquility, I understand who I am and what I want.
I have arrived at my own homecoming without losing myself.
Choosing to play overseas was the best decision I could’ve made for my self-growth. I needed to feel free in order to be me. A year ago, I met my beautiful girlfriend on Hinge. (Side note: dating overseas can be a struggle, so don’t be afraid to put yourself out there on dating apps. You might just get lucky and find your soulmate, like I did.)
I’m proud to hold my girlfriend’s hand in public and she’s proud to hold mine. And it’s at that moment, when our hands are in embrace, that everything feels right in the world, when I feel like myself.
And it’s all I’ve ever really wanted.
Erin Mathias is a native of Pittsburgh and a former Miss Pennsylvania Basketball who graduated from Duke University in 2018. Since then she has played pro in Italy. Her passions include photography and fashion. Edited by Lai Wei.
